northanger (northanger) wrote,
northanger
northanger

gag-reflex

i've been working on my bush gag-reflex for awhile. used to spew whenever i saw young george, but now i realize he's not a war-monger. he's a nice guy, really. i know he is because i like his wife.

so yesterday i was reading about the democracy question & finally realized young george has been talking about this since the beginning. my massive pukefest was only due to hysterical revisionism & i was just too busy puking to notice. however, upchuck symptoms ensued as a whispy thought intruded: it is a quagmire. then a list of past terrorist targets began to appear before my eyes: all military (mostly). one gigantic spewfest into the porcelain chalice & a good shake had me back on track.

i would not shall not miss the democracy boat the next time! i silently declared. i would prepare for iranian democracy, i quietly told myself as i dialed up Revisionists Anonymous. the international atomic energy agency seemed a good place to start. they made things easy: their news centre press review box had three stories about iran yesterday. i clicked each link & read each story. afterwards, i clicked More... » and... would you believe me if i said this story used to be listed here (at this link)? (i saved the page for posterity). after rotflmao i called my RA buddy to help me get my giggly resolve back on the wagon.

first, who is AFP (where this story originates)? ah, Agence France-Presse — the oldest news agency in the world, the largest French agency & the third largest news agency in the world. it's founder, Charles-Louis Havas, used to send news by homing pigeon. i think something got lost in transatlantic migration. second, who is Shokrollah Attarzade (mentioned in the article)? maybe the nummy thingy could shed some light. crikey! SHOKROLLAH ATTARZADEH = BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! after a stiff drink & a frantic phone call to my AA buddy i was finally able to calm down & learn Mr. Attarzadeh is a member (hope i get this right) of the 7th Majlis (Parliment). and what a numerical relief — there's a variety of ways to spell Mr. Attarzade's name (umlauts even!).

forgive me, but i must say something {burp} in an effort toward true healing {tummy grumble} i was deeply affronted recently when reading about not supporting our fine american troops. it can scarcely be supposed, at this late stage of the war, that I am indifferent to its interests (George Washington). as if i were gambling with their lives like they were poker chips in a game of texas hold'em. yesterday, to prove my patriotic commitment to total victory, i began my personal quest to sign up 500 new recruits!

i asked my students about the war. unfortunately, they weren't interested. however, a lightbulb of covert opportunity flashed when one student said he was more interested in our 60% high school drop-out rate. drop out of school, join the army. i talked to the editor of the online city paper asking if anyone had done an article about this. well, no we've never done investigative reporting actually, the editor said, but i've always wondered about that 60%. later, thinking about my new investigative journalism career, working on my pulitzer prize acceptance speech & imagining that recruiting silver star nailed to my breast (ouch!) i saw another student at the bus stop & decided to give him a lift home.

i asked about those 8000 green card holding troops. they're all dead, he said. no, i said nervously (things weren't going as planned) but there are over 13,000 injuries (oopsie, maybe i shouldn't have mentioned that). a few minutes later my student slunk out of the car in relief. i drove away considering exit strategies & getting folks to sign on the dotted line. maybe it would help things if we got the draft back.

on the drive home i started getting jiggy with american imperialism, i mean ... america's fight for democracy! that is until i read about that new mexican stamp. which is when my gag-reflex went all kablooey. i was laughing so hard i dropped & busted the gun i bought to shoot those iranian idiots daring to register for suicide attacks because we need to blow up their nasty Bushehr nuclear power plant. they make me so mad steam comes outta my ears sometimes. they make me so mad i pull & pull on my ears until they're bent outta shape. they make me so mad my lips swell up & my skin grows dark. they just make me so goddamn mad, i'm mad.

so Mr. Shokrollah Attarzade (or whatever your name is) i challenge you to a comic duel. send one of your very best stand-up comics & try (just try!) & make us laugh. for if s/he can make us laugh & get a gig on the Tonight Show i hereby promise you (by the authority vested in me by american citizenship) {a} you get to keep your bomby thingys, and {b} i will personally reopen the american embassy (i'll even bring some american flags if you still want to burn some).

(ah. my backup plan for world dominance ... um, i mean McDemocracy for everybody! since those pesky persians don't have a smidgen of a sense of humor & nary a funny bone amongst them — they will fail at this challenge & we win! we get to bomb them outta existence. i mean, bomb those scary bomby thingies they got in our worldwide quest for McDemocracy (those insurgents can bomb shit all they want; i like abstraction, don't you?). or a better idea is to keep those bomby thingies there & aim em at china! yeah china ... you're next). (sigh. my plan sure would work if i could get the draft thingy going again).

this post is certifiable & i hereby nominate Memín Pinguín as Ambassador of Gag-Reflex (we should send him to israel first).

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