doorbell buzzing woke me up around 1AM. older baby brother here from ohio. told him i didn't ask for help (but, a lousy five bucks for a pack of smokes would've been nice!).
i deliberately started smoking 20 years ago; for me it's a slow form of suicide. never got into marriage, relationships or kids. never wanted that stuff. life makes no sense to me. how can anyone be happy if even one person is suffering? if you can do that you're a better human than me. seeing everything happen in New Orleans with so many left behind was painful. i blame no one. being black in america requires a constant suspension of disbelief. otherwise, we'd be puking by all that cognitive dissonance.
however, my suspension of disbelief has gone awry & i can't get it working again. there's too much fucking shit floating around to disbelieve.